Friday, February 19, 2010

Ash, Ash, Wednesday (because I have "Ice, Ice Baby" inexplicably in my head)

I bet most of you would just be as surprised as a groundhog seeing its shadow if I told you I always give something up for Lent, as I'm sure I don't come off as much the religious type. But I do like church, and I do like Lent, as it's an excellent opportunity to get me out of the February funk and get my junk together.

Problem is, I always agonize over what to give up for Lent. For one thing, I have a myriad of bad habits that need reigning in. For another thing, I LOVE MY BAD HABITS. I considered several options.

First I was thinking about giving up meat for Lent, not because I'm a crazypants vegetarian, but just because I'd probably be healthier if I did - I eat a lot of terrible fatty stuff. And a lot of times I eat meat or plan meals with that as a main ingredient just because it's automatic, which is silly. I mean I like chicken and all, but it's never like, "OMG, I really really need some chicken right now." It's more a function of loving delicious fried fattiness like chicken nuggets, or boneless buffalo wings, or all the deliciousness that comes in a Taco Bell burrito. So, due to needing all of the preceding fatty things, that was out.

Then I considered giving up Facebook. Well then how will I know about anything that is going on in the world?! I will turn into a sad recluse, at home with my cats, knitting and wearing pajamas at all times. Okay maybe that's what I do now, a lot of the time. And maybe I like it. But if I didn't have Facebook, well, I'm sure that some part of the universe would just break loose and fly off, and everything would be permanently terrible.

What about just giving up Cafe World, the world's stupidest Facebook game? You know, the one where you click things to "cook food" and the entire point is to make money and gain experience points so you can decorate your cafe. CLEARLY that is IMPORTANT and I cannot give it up.

Then I thought of giving up swearing, which is a terrible, ugly habit of mine. But then I had already failed at that before I even left the house on Wednesday, so I was feeling like my chances of success with that were pretty low. Though it's still a bad habit that I need to cut back on, so I'm trying to make it sort of a secondary-Lent promise, to at least reduce my propensity to cuss like a sailor. Not sure if that's even permissible, or how anything works at all, but I'm trying.

The winner turned out to be soda. I know you are scoffing at me, especially if you are one of those people I don't understand who only ever drinks water and healthyface herbal tea. You and me, we're not the same. I drink so much diet soda, there's a good chance it is going to cause me to grow a tumor the size of Montana one of these days. I can drink about 64 oz. of that crap every day, and I am addicted to it. My drug of choice is Diet Sun Drop, and I pity you if you've never had it. It is delicious, like a sweeter Diet Mountain Dew without the aftertaste (which my cultured diet soda palate can always discern).

I am still letting myself have a cup of coffee in the morning (but no artificial sweetener) because otherwise I would have already been locked up for committing a homicide. Let's hope this makes me a better person and breaks the addiction. If I make it through, I'm not planning on quitting entirely forever, but I am definitely going to cut back. So far, we're two days in, and no one has died, but statistics on that are liable to change at any moment. I'll keep you updated.

Do you give things up for Lent? What do you give up? Have you ever been entirely successful for the whole 40 days?

No comments: